Joe.

I wrote this in 2016, so I guess it’s cheating. I found myself feeling very similar today, though. Well, lately in general. I did leave after I wrote this. And I forgot how much it hurt to be around this feeling. So I came back, and I remembered. And now I have no where to go and I’ve planted a couple roots that I really want to grow. I just don’t know how I am going to make it that far sometimes…..


September 4, 2016

I thought wrong. I’ll start there. I never believed my relationship with the little one, the one who had it easy, would be so much stronger than with you.
Mostly because we made it through the same things with each other. I had to protect you. I taught you things. I made sure you weren’t at a disadvantage when I
was still a child myself. I loved you so much. It was funny to me then, because I was so mad when I found out Mom was having a boy. I thought I needed a sister.
But I’m not exactly a girl myself and you were everything I could have hoped for in a sibling. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why you hate me. I don’t
know why you have such little regard for life. Or why you don’t believe in anything. Or why you like to see me hurting when I would do anything to see you happy.
I don’t know why a simple question asked to you in a bland voice or even a peppy voice requires an answer laced with such vitriol. I don’t know why. When I was
accepted to college, all I thought about was you. And I tried so hard to be there for you as much as I could when I was gone. I didn’t think it would be okay
to have you and the little one alone with them. And I guess I was right because I don’t know what made you so cold to me. Propaganda? Time away? I don’t know.
Moving back in with Mom, the only thing keeping me motivated was getting to support you both at school and at home, being there for my family. It was so easy to fall
in love with you little guys. You mean so much to me, but it’s so hard to keep going knowing it doesn’t go both ways. It’s amazing. How does one person fail at so many
things? Unrequited love from romantic relationships is one thing; it’s a whole other thing when your own family couldn’t care less about you. Unrequited loyalty.
Unrequited understanding. Unrequited sacrifice. I always want what is best for you. But now all I can think is how I wish I would die or how I wish I could go away,
be far away from you. So I don’t have to feel this pain that gets my gut turning and my eyes falling. I will always be there for you no matter where I am. I will
always love you and wish you well. But I need to find the strength to let go. Let go of what we were because I don’t think it will ever be the same. I think I will
always be struggling to keep up with you. I’ll think everything is okay and you will think horrible things about me and they will come out every so often until I
put the pieces together that you can’t stand me, you think me lowly, you don’t trust me anymore, even. Maybe I take life and relationships too seriously. The
reason I don’t have too many people in my life is because so many people lie and cheat and they don’t understand loyalty, honesty, integrity. The things that matter.
And I feel so much. I do. You don’t know how much I feel. Blinding attachment and stabbing love and wishes. I wish so many things, but most of all that we can live
forever and be happy and do all the things we dream. I wish that for you. Do other people carry everyone in their head with them all the time like I do? Do they
have all the people they love sitting in their skullcap? Always doing things according to all those people and feeling like such a disappointment when it doesn’t
go as planned or as hoped. I have you in my head. And I just want to make you proud and I know I am not doing that. Instead of the hatred you show me, why not kindness?
Why not support? Why crush further dreams that have already withered and died? I feel more hopeless every day, but I try to be brave and I try to show you it’s not over
because you really can do anything you want to in the world. Anything you put your mind to, you can achieve. You just have to put the work in and not be afraid. Like
my anxiety. It’s gotten so bad but you probably think I just use that as a crutch or something. I don’t. I cry because I want it to get out of my head. And the longer
I am here without contact with people on a daily basis, the worse it’s getting. I even thought of admitting myself to a psych ward. I don’t want to be like this.
Staying here, it’s only getting worse. I need to get you all out of my head. I need to find myself among the pile of bodies. I need to listen to her voice because
yours isn’t working anymore. I need to know what to wish for myself. I need to be the selfish person Mom thinks I already am. I really don’t want to be, though. I
want to help everyone and fix things and no one will let me. Can’t you see how simple it all is? You can fix it right now! You can! And then I can be selfish and
figure out what I need to listen to. My wish for myself is to be successful so I can show you the possibilities in life. I want to you to feel the same simultaneous
thirst and satisfaction life holds for anyone who looks for it! It’s such a beautiful place and we’re just wasting it and you’re hurting me and I want to be okay
and you to be okay. I love you. I don’t know if leaving will feel like I am abandoning you or what. That’s what it will feel like to me. This is why I haven’t left.
But if you don’t care, then I shouldn’t stay. And I guess I will never know if I make the right choices until I am dead. And I will never know what I’m missing if I
leave.

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